Five Reasons There Is No ‘Right’ Way to Have a Baby, From a Midwife Who has Cared for Thousands of Families

There seems to be so many dogmatic posts on social media about "this is the way to give birth". Whether unassisted at home or using an epidural in a hospital. I felt the need to respond to this as someone who has cared for thousands of families over the last 16 years. It sounds simplistic to say it out loud. But I feel it does need to be typed out: there is no one "right way" to give birth.

1. There is very little that is predictable about giving birth. I once attended the birth of a woman who was giving birth to her sixth baby. She had had five uncomplicated previous vaginal births. For her sixth labor, she had a cord prolapse. And no, this was not due to iatrogenic reasons, like breaking her bag of water. it was because somehow the cord had slipped between her baby’s head and her cervix. It was a rare obstetrical emergency. She needed a stat C-section. It was the last thing this mother imagined for her birth, but it was absolutely the route that baby needed to be born. Some babies are “sunny side up”, which can lead to excruciating back pain. Some labors take three days! You often won’t know these things until labor begins. And yes, there are some things that can help guide you, as the birther, as well as your baby, to avoid these scenarios. There is so much that we do NOT have control over. Whether you ate all the dates, drank all the red raspberry leaf tea, or did 80000 miles circuits  So while I love when people prepare thoughtfully for birth and have their wishes and priorities, it’s helpful to not have a rigid or set vision of how things will go. 
2.  Reasons for wanting different types of birth experiences are deeply personal. You never know someone’s story People are complex. History of sexual assault, experience of medical abuse and systemic racism, history of body dysmorphia, mental health challenges, non-binary birthers or someone who is struggling addiction all influence what someone may need or want during labor and birth. For instance someone who has history of sexual trauma may need an epidural to cope with the process of a cervical check if a cervical check is deemed something they need for the care. (I try to limit exams unless medically necessary for all people, but especially when someone has a history of trauma) Labor and birth can be both a vulnerable and empowering time. It can bring up buried emotions. Someone might want to “feel everything” and have an unmedicated birth experience. Someone else might want to “feel nothing” and receive an early epidural. Both needs are equally important to honor and validate. Trauma informed care is essential and nuanced to the person. 
3.  Your vision of your “dream birth” may change and evolve!  Especially if it’s your first baby, you might not know what you will need or want. That is completely OK and normal. 
4.  Everyone copes differently! This is as true in life as it is during birth. Some people are smiling and walking around at 8cm unmediated. (Though truthfully, this is rare!) Others want to climb out of their body and up the wall at 1 cm of dilation. It also does seem harder to cope with a medical induction versus spontaneous labor. Although researchers would be hard-pressed to study this in any rigorous way, I have seen anecdotally that spontaneous labor seems “easier” to cope with than an induction of labor. This is likely because of the complex cascade of hormones and helpful endorphins released when someone goes into labor on their own. Why is there such variation in how people cope? That is the million dollar question. It is certainly multifactorial and difficult to study in any scientific way. But if I were to guess, I would guess that it is a combination of psychological, genetic, and environmental factors.
   • How well is the person supported?
   • How much trust is there in the room?
   • Can that person go to their parasympathetic nervous state?
   • Are they feeling rushed or coerced by their care team?
   • Are there bright lights and noise and people in and out of the room disrupting the physiologic and instinctual process of birth? This can absolutely affect how someone copes. 
5. Of course there are people who can intimately experience birth alongside you. (I feel honored to be one of those people as a midwife!) But the only people who truly experience the birth are YOU and your baby (or babies if you have multiple babies :) YOUR birth experience should be in the forefront. Not your boyfriend or sister or birth team or mother-in-law or anyone else!